Out of all the things in my list, this is, I'm sure, will be the hardest post to write. I have been debating writing this post for at least a month, mostly because I don’t know how some people would react. In the end, I realized that, this is truly my journey. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to complete it without the special people in my life but I know some will not agree, some will think is just another one of the thousands things I have tried and failed but I'm hopeful at least one person will see it for what is worth.
March 6th, 2010: That is the day written in my pink Bible. It was the day I stood up and declare Jesus as my Lord and Savior. OK, that was the hardest part of the blog to write. I can just feel the reaction......but as I keep writing I know the feeling will dissipate.
When I first made this list, I thought of all those dreams that I wanted to accomplish, some very easily, some very hard, some way overdue. My project is about 2 things: 1) Digging myself out of this dark hole I have been in for so long and 2) Helping someone else, known or unknown for a better tomorrow. Not because I want to be noticed, but because I know I have it in my to make a sliver of a difference in someone else's life. But I know I cant accomplish that without taking steps to better mine first.
On December 24th I attended a church here in Houston, and I felt something new, something different. I smiled all the way through the service, that had not happened for a really long time. So I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe, I can dare to have more of this feeling? Is that even possible?
For years I have spent my hours and days locked in a dark room, almost pulling myself out of bed and complaining the whole day through. Not a smile, not a dash of hope, no sense of direction. I would start an argument with anyone who was around and willing to participate, on the silliest things and for no reason. Honestly, there were times I would even dread calling my family. The self-pity was working double-time. Why wont they listen to me? I don’t care about your day, listen about me...and on and on and on.....what a horrible way to think about your loved ones....I'm so ashamed.....
Once before I had attended services at Lakewood Church. Yes, the same one with Joel Osteen. The happy go lucky pastor who claims day in and day out, your "best days are still ahead"......even on that first day I went, I thought to myself..what a bunch of bull! Nobody ever gets what they want...this place is a hoax.....I remember I complained the entire drive there, it is far from where I live, what a waste of gas!!!. Then I complained because of how much I had to walk from the car to my seat....urgh! This is not worth it! But somehow I made my way to the highest and most secluded seat but not before I was greeted by 20 or so people, all with a smile and telling me...."thank you for visiting us...enjoy the service...God bless YOU!...I was tongue tied...I didn’t know how to respond..so I politely nodded and sat down....Then....the music started.....it was like a drum inside my chest...it was loud and powerful and almost unbearable...I thought..I cant take this, I will get a headache...I should leave....but a little voice told me...Karla..stay....there is something you need to hear..I said to myself, ok ok..I walked all the way over here...I might as well stay....
What came next was, well, a new desire I had not have in a long time. After the service I caught myself smiling as I walk the 20 miles back to my car. I felt a sense of, I did something good for myself today, gosh I feel great!!! How can I keep this going?? I want more of this?? Nah wait, I think is just brain-washing, this cant last forever, right?
I told myself I would give it another try. And so I have...week after week, sometimes on Saturday night, sometimes Sunday morning and even via online when I cant make it to church, I have not missed a single service. But is not about the place, or the person. I have learned so much more about my spiritual self, that I knew I had in me, but was so afraid to let it out. Against all odds and to the amazement of the closest people to me, this is and always has been, part of my life. I had put it aside for so long, but now it is awake.
I listen to different music now, I read different things. I watch different TV (when I do watch). I have 10 times the amount of patience, I'm 100 times more forgiving and I let go, much faster than I used. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like a hot stove when somebody says or does something wrong against me. But, I have found a way to understand where they are coming from, and even better, it doesn’t consume me. At least not for very long.
(Another hard part of this blog) I have found the power in prayer and thanking God for all his goodness and mercies. I ask for forgiveness for my lack of discipline and for the wrongs I have done everyday. I say thanks so much more often for all I have experienced and all the goodness yet to come. I cant say thanks enough....
One of the most remarkable things that has happened is the forming of a new relationship that seemed to be lost forever. She told me today how the best gift I could ever giver her is how I'm turning my life round. I cant wait to see this person again and share with her the excitement of my new path. She gets it....what a feeling!!!
If you are asking yourself...so does that mean you will now walk around with a Bible under your arm and quote scripture to everyone you see is my new thing....let me put you at ease...no....that is not me....the choice to live this life is individual and must come from within. I cant make you see the goodness, only you can. And that is ok....now, if you asked me, then yes, I would tell you...but it has to come from you, not me.
I have begun to see things so much more clear, so reachable, so grand...."nothing is impossible"....and I'm sure, that without this part already in process, the rest of the dreams and goals I have on this list I would not complete. When we realize a bigger force is guiding us, we can trust that all things are in fact possible.
I hesitate to cross this from my list. But I see it this way. There is a big difference between "finding your spiritual self" and "keeping your spiritual self". It is a work in progress, a never ending part of life, if you so choose it. I truly think my spiritual self was always there....I just needed a little help to bring it out.
I could write forever on this, and yet, the less said the better. I know at the end of this year I will look back and remember that this one step, for me, was the one thing that made the rest possible. I have no doubts of that.
And if you wonder if I pray for each and every one of you, stop wondering, I do.
And yes, I have a little verse I learned in Church that I quote every morning..not just for me, but for my family and dear friends...
Ephesians 3 20 "Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope"
I love you all!
Karla
